Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Gay Christian

By Radonna Lynn Hill
 As a child, my parents raised me according to Matthew 18:6 — I was the little one it speaks of that should not be offended. I was one of a group of children in my church that was anointed, dedicated at birth by our parents. We had games for church like “shouting tag” and “aisle running races.” We honed our tongue talking and tried to talk louder, and more fluent, even tried the interpretations a few times. There was no fear of God. No thought of blasphemy, we were doing what we were raised to do — to praise God with our whole spirit, mind and body. We were fully vested at birth having the knowledge of the truth.

 We mimicked our spirit filled parents. We sang in the choir, we sat on the platform pretending to play instruments our fingers had not yet mastered. We were the future of pentecostal. No one sat us down, or ever told us to “stop playing.” We were never called out on our endless attempts to extend shouting and singing time so long there was no time to preach. We were joint heirs with Jesus. Holiness was commonplace. Everything was so clear, so simple. So innocent.

 As an adult, I think back on that blissful innocence with sadness wondering if I will ever again know what it feels like to not have to fight to prove I am worthy to call myself a Christian. I wonder if I will ever be able to kneel before the altar, and not think of the people standing behind me trying to pray away my gay. Romans 8:38 is the scripture I bring to mind whenever I need that extra reminder that I am not limited to mans definition of God’s Love: For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

 There are moments in life that color the filter through which you see the world. I was 8 years old when I faced a contradiction, I could not reconcile. Someone I loved very much, Someone that had always shown me unconditional was a gay man. Being the vigilant protectors of my righteousness my Grandparents tried to counteract the effect the exposure to homosexuality had done to my brothers and I. It was then that I first heard the words abomination, reprobate, and homosexual. I found myself questioning the bible, the existence of God, and even silently challenging him. I had never MET God, God had done absolutely nothing for me that I found tangible. The homosexual in my life had held me after I woke up screaming from nightmares. He had made me feel loved, valued, and important. The homosexual in my life bought me birthday and Christmas presents and my Dolly Parton barbie doll. When it was just he and I in the car he let me listen to Dolly Parton on the radio. Love won. Plain and simple.

 I was 16 when I knew I was different. I would not have labeled myself as a lesbian at that time, because I had nothing to compare anything to. I thought the extreme pull I felt towards women, was me wanting to possess the different qualities I found attractive in them for myself. I was drawn to confident, tough, dominate, outspoken, active, athletic women. It was hard to distinguish wanting “to be” and “to be with.” I pushed that part of me down as far as I could push it. I did things trying to be straight that make me cringe to think about. The best thing to come out of it was my three beautiful children.

 My son Evan is a miracle — a real bona fide miracle with papers to prove it. He was born after two miscarriages and the stillbirth of his brother William. Evan was born whole, despite fears that he would have cleft lip and a heart defect. He was born with a true knot in his cord that at any time could have tightened, and would have killed him.

When he was born two things happened. I held my baby boy listening to Norman Hutchinson singing “Jesus I love you” and I was completely and absolutely humbled and grateful by the love of Jesus. While surrounded fully in the precious love of God, His presence blended so perfectly and completely with the love of my newborn son. It was then that the bible became more than words to me. The revelation of Gods love did not drive me running to the nearest pentecostal church. That revelation opened up the door to the secret parts of me I knew that God saw. He saw them because he made them. He designed me. Luke 7:12 told me the very hairs on my head were numbered. For years, I was angry at man’s interpretation of the divine. My anger towards God disappeared that day. God I found was very different when removed from that filter.

I have not stepped foot into a church in more than three years. I went to a few services because my children had asked me to attend or my Mother had conned me into going. They all pretty much went the same way. The music plays, the singers sing, Alabaster Box or something similar. My tears started to roll like a river — not because of conviction or the desire to pray through, but because I ache to freely worship God in the manner I first learned. I long to lift my hands and to speak in tongues without the church taking that to mean I will go home and dump my girlfriend.

I could attend a gay friendly church, but me being anything but Pentecostal is like asking someone Jewish to be Catholic. So for now I embrace my spirituality quietly. I try to respect my mother’s right to believe the things that she believes, realizing that to many their faith is like a deck of cards you challenge one part of their belief system and it will all come crumbling down. I don’t wish to take away anything from anyone. I just hold on to the hope that one day I will be able to go back to that place when my right to approach the throne of grace was not conditional. That I can dance like David danced without offending anyone. A Place that Gay Christians will not be considered an oxymoron.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Humpty Dumpty

All the Kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put Humpty together again.


Friday, January 18, 2013

All I want..

All I want is ONE breath that doesn't ache.
All I want is to believe that things can be better than they are.
All I want is to not be see the end of everything, so
I can appreciate the beginning and the middle.

I want to turn off the thing inside me that shows me more than I want to see.
I want to be blissfully naive.


Memory


Long after the music stopped, and the lights went out,
Memory sat in darkness.
She was not afraid, the night was not unkind.
She tried to stand, but was too weary.
A light shone in the distance.
She knew she must go. She just did not know how.
She noticed pinned to her clothes were trinkets she had picked up along her journey.
They are awfully heavy, she thought.
One by one she started to unpin them.
She discarded them by importance.
Anger was the heaviest, so she pulled it off first.
Encouraged by how much lighter she felt she pulled off another.
Fear came next followed by Bitterness.
She gladly pulled off Desperation and Need.
Expectations had several little disappointments attached to it.
Memory was amazed, when she threw it down she was suddenly able to stand.
Her steps were slow and hesitant as she walked towards the light.
The others were harder to choose from.
She held on a while before she let dreams slip through her fingers.
Ambition, Desire, Happiness,
She was so sure she may need those things.
Joy, Faith, Patience, Peace.
They had always served her so well.
She arrived at the light holding only Love, and Hope.
“You can only keep one” she was told.
Memory turned around and looked down the path she had traveled.
She looked at all the things that use to matter and the things that she had carried that had not.
Without further hesitation Memory tossed hope with all the others.
Pulling her shoulders back she walked forward with ease,
as if she was floating on air.
Love glowed warm against her chest as she became the light and the light became her.
Everything else was left forgotten.

By Radonna Hill

House Of Sorrow


Promise lived in the house of Sorrow.
She’d been there longer than she wanted.
Tears burned here and
the silence echoed.
She slept under blankets of pain.
She carried the weight of memories around all day.
She worked hard for Sorrow, but Sorrow never seemed to be finished.
She wanted to leave this place.
She called Justice to her, to plead her cause.
“Its not fair” she cried
“No,” Justice said sadly “It is not fair”
Promise waited for Justice to act, but he stood solemnly still.
“Its not fair” she cried louder.
Justice just shook his head.

Promise sat down and pulled her pain around her.
She felt suffocated from the weight of it.

The liar danced by her window.

“Justice, why can he dance?” she asked mournfully.

“The dance of fools is always a merry one” Justice said.

Promise thought hard about what Justice had said.

“He is broken in a different way?” she asked realizing the truth Justice had shared.

Justice smiled and took Promise by the hand.
He led her outside into a garden where she saw herself.
“Thats me” she cried.
Justice touched his finger to his lips
“This is your future” he whispered.
Promise saw herself bathed in light and holding on to the hand of the most beautiful person she had ever seen.
“Thats Wisdom” Justice said.
“You met him through Sorrow”
Promise face fell
“I didn’t like Sorrow” she said.
“Few are able to let Sorrow work with them, they resist her and avoid her calls,but the end result is this”
Justice raised his arms indicating the beautiful garden they were standing in.
“What is this place?” Promise asked suddenly aware of the beauty surrounding her
“This is your soul, Sorrow helped you design it”
Justice took her hand and led her back into the house.
It didn’t seem as dark as it had before and the memories felt so much lighter.
Promise smiled at Justice.
“At first I thought you didn’t care” Promise said remorsefully.
Justice patted her on the back.
“Its okay Promise,” he said “My work is a lot like Sorrow’s,
only evident over time when all the pieces come together”

Promise saw the Liar again dancing in the distance.
her heart did not ache as badly as before.
“Justice, what will happen to him?” she asked.
Mercy stepped into the room.
Her presence was warm and light.
Justice looked surprised.
“Promise called me” Mercy said softly.

Justice broke into a huge smile.
“The Liar lives in his own prison”
Promise said realizing it for the first time.
“Its not less than he deserves” Promise reasoned.
“No” Justice agreed
“I wish him free” Promise said softly
Mercy nodded her head and suddenly
they were all standing back in that beautiful garden Justice had shown her.
The house of Sorrow had disappeared and joy and peace surrounded her like clouds.
Forgiveness welcomed her through the gates.

Promise began to dance.
She danced with Wisdom and Grace.
Forgiveness and Mercy watched happily.
Another broken promise had found her way home.

By Radonna L Hill

The Ocean and the Moon


I feel you ....said the ocean to the moon.
You bewitch me so.
The Ocean pounded purposefully against the shore.


The moon smiled sadly

her argent prism danced softly in the air.

The ocean rolled greedily to capture the light.
her waves reaching as high as they could reach.

Ever constant Earth reminded the ocean of where she belonged.

"But Mother" the Ocean cried "My Beloved is in the sky"
Mother Earth held tightly as ocean pounded her sorrow on the sand.

"If I let you go, all will be lost" Mother Earth whispers 

So great the oceans need she roared her fury, rising higher and higher.

Need does not supersede destiny.

The Moon sought to assuage the Oceans pain.

"I alone witness clandestine lovers seeking shadow the night provides, and

I am not bereft of longing."

Purpose is greater than pleasure.

The Ocean still did not understand

The stars shone brightly around the moon.

The Ocean wished desperately to be a star.

Century's came and went; however;
the reaching had grown playful and she danced in the shimmering light.

She did not need to touch the moon, to know the moon was there.

The Moon was happy and shone brightly upon the Ocean.

"Love has many forms" said Mother Earth. "It is not limited to being fulfilled
or defined by its manifestation"

"Love is constant and unchanging needing no intention."

The Ocean understood, happily she embraced the fish that swam in her deep,
the life her existence provided. She knew her purpose.

Wise with time, the Ocean was at peace with her destiny,
but through all infinity she never stopped reaching for the moon.


By Radonna Hill

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Full Circle

I danced in the garden with sun made ribbons in my hair
flowers crushed beneath my feet releasing natures perfume.
Gravity was lazy
My steps were light
My thoughts spun with wonder.
I saw her sitting under a willow tree.
Dirty garments and hallow eyes.
Her misery repulsed me.
I closed my eyes and looked away.
There was no room for sadness here.
I danced further beyond my dreams,
and into a summer rain.
The sky grew dark and threatening.
The ground begin to shake
Thunder echoed into my soul
my heart shattered.
I woke up lost
desperately searching for my garden
the storm had led me so far off the path.
My legs became wooden
each step harder than the one before.
Still I searched to find my way home.
Hope became faded with each dead end.
I walked in circles.
I could remember dancing, but I could no longer hear the song.
I had given up when my feet found familiar ground.
I could not laugh or smile.
I collapsed beneath the Willow tree.
A lifetime had passed since I had left.
A vision danced towards me
bathed in sunlight
her musical laugh
I remembered what I’d lost.
Our eyes locked
She quickly looked away.
I did not belong in her garden.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

yep

Relationships fail not because they are destined to fail. They fail because one of the two, or both, made a choice to give up.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Home

Home.

MY arms
OUR truth
The magic one touch creates.
Lazy Sunday mornings.
Smiles across the room.
Little elbows and knees between us.
Hugs you want to last forever.

Looking down into your eyes
EVERYTHING exploding
Your the only home I know.

Never saying Goodbye
No airports
No car rides that you wish you didn’t have to make
No watching you pack and feeling my heart breaking

Home
OUR boys
OUR family
OUR forever
OUR fairytale
Please come home to me.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Where your Treasure are, your heart will be also.

Second law of Thermodynamics, Entropy.

The things you put your energy into are the things you treasure what you don't value will go to crap if suitable attention isn't paid to them.

Its not hard to see where someones heart is. Its what they work the hardest to protect and maintain. Its the thing they will sacrifice and gives even when it hurts. Its the drive that pushes you to the brink of your endurance.

To say love can not be measured is a false statement. Its easier to quantify it when its lacking to stack it up against the thriving works of its counterparts. Its measured in the loneliness and the desolate. Its evident in the isolation and the void. Where the heat exists the cold can not. Easy simple laws of physics.

It can't be mistaken or misunderstood the proof is there for anyone with the desire to see.
Remember the safest place you ever knew.
Remember feeling the most loved
Remember when you felt valued
Remember when your feelings were important


Because there is no such thing as loving halfway.



No one wants to be an after thought.

To really love someone you love them as hot as you can you put them first. You do it in DEED not word. Then words become the icing on the cake.

Everything in heavens and earth require proof.